January 26th – Today is the third year since my son Ryan died. This will be a very hard weekend, as it has been since then.
My twenty-month-old daughter knows who her brother is. When we go to the cemetery and place flowers, pinwheels, or decorations, she know that is where he sleeps.
Below is a poem I wrote about my life. All of it is true. All of us are made up partly by events that happen to us in life. This may give you an insight to who I am.
My life so far
Randy Hollenbeck
My eyes have seen a man’s grey matter splattered from a motorcycle accident
My nose smelt the gas pouring out of the cycle
My ears heard the sound of metal and bones snapping
My heart felt the sadness when Steve Shabo saw his brother’s body
My eyes have seen my sister floating in a swimming pool
My nose smelt the chlorine wafting from the pool
My ears heard the silence which once was her laughter
My heart felt the joy when I got her to breathe again
My eyes have seen my best friend having sex with my girlfriend
My nose smelt the vanilla candle burning
My ears heard her moaning
My heart felt anger at the two of them
My eyes have seen a friend fall over on my parent’s kitchen floor and die
My nose smelt the vomit coming out of his mouth as I preformed CPR
My ears heard my parents freak out as I stayed calm, cool, and collective
My heart felt empty as I could not save him
My eyes have seen a car crash and burst into flames
My nose smelt the burning of human flesh
My ears heard her groaning and her last words of “Tell them I love them”
My heart felt the pain of having someone die in your arms
My eyes have seen a gun pointed to my head
My nose smelt the fear of the kid holding the gun
My ears heard my heart pounding as I talked the kid down
My heart felt relief when the kid ran away
My eyes have seen my son’s body lifeless
My nose smelt the smell of a new baby
My ears heard the crying from me and my wife instead of my son Ryan
My heart felt empty, sadness, anger, pain, sorrow at the world and God
My eyes have seen my baby son in a casket
My nose smelt the despair of the flowers, hopes, and dreams
My ears heard the people crying and telling me everything will be okay
My heart felt numb, almost dead inside
My eyes have seen blackness while I was dead for six minutes
My nose smelt the plastic of the oxygen mask around my face
My ears heard voices that were the paramedics trying to save my life
My heart felt nothing as it stopped beating, then it started
My eyes have seen my daughter’s body kick and jerk
My nose smelt the antiseptic of the hospital
My ears heard the crying from me, my wife, and my daughter Ria
My heart felt joy, bliss, comfort, delight, glee, lively, and wonder
